Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
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My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
would be a terrible security guard. too easily bribed. I’d be out there saying “and these potato chips you offer, are they flavoured?”
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
opening a flower shop called women in stem
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity