Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
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[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Now colored!
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
looks legit
technically true but not a great slogan
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?