Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me making someone eat a chip with my mind

You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.

Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.

(team meeting)

boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?

me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.

boss:

*cop approaches me*

“have u seen this girl?”

*holds up photo*

“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”

*hi-5*

“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”

My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.

Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.

Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.

KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that

ㅤㅤ

“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.

When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?

“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”

-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand

Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.

Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.

[Bending down with my hands on my knees]

“Where is your mother?”

~ me to anyone under the age of 30

The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning

The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?

Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.

I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.

I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast

One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless person

I don’t like to talk about it

Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?

Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*

Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing

Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.

fireman: where is fire

me: in my heart, i love y-

fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt

me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do

kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them

every time i talk it sounds like it’s my first time trying to speak

Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.

Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.

This tree does a lot of weird exercises

[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”