me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
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feetloaf
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.