Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”

Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”

When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’

I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.

I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me

(wine tasting)

WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!

Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.

Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”

Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.

Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?

Me: Um…

D: Seriously?

M: …

D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.

M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN

oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire

SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot

ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge

why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free

Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”

Me: *dies alone

Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.

*me in a horror movie*

me: a knife? HA

killer: [pauses confused]

me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA

k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]

Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.

Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath

I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.

Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.

The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.

My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer

I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here

[police lineup]

Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’

Suspect 1: boing boing

Suspect 2: boing boing

Desk lamp: boing boing

Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband

Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.

Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise

*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*

*whistling*

Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?

Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.

Husband: But It’s real blood.

Me: *continues whistling*

stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons

Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.

My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?

(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.