Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Blocked: 1985

I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:

Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.

I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.

What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.

I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.

I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.

Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….

I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.

Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.

me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them

Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?

I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again

Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.

[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.

The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it

Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.

Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single

Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.

Me: How’d you injure your back?

Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”

just witnessed a drug deal

The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff

Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.

My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.

my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .

My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.

I am not shocked.

Me: I’m really into architecture.

Her: Contemporary…modern?

Me: LEGO.

wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying

I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.

Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her