Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.

[Shark Tank]

ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic

MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?

ME: It ate my credit card

Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.

[Lounging in hot tub]

Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”

Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”

My day planner

1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep

I feel sorry for dogs. They learnt to fetch newspapers, but newspapers are dying. Killed by an internet driven by cats.

We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”

Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.

ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No

16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek

PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure

[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.

[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME

[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!

My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public

Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?

The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.

“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.

Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.

I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.

Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.

me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?

google: give it to someone else

just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie

It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors

“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”

Studies show that men born between the 1st and the 31st day of the month are sexier than the others.

Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?

Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.

A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.

therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?

me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me

therapist: no

I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.

I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.

my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…