Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith

Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?

Are we done? Can we go?

-A memoir.

I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.

Welcome to middle age. You now take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.
😂😅😂

How’s it going?

“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”

You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.

Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.

I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.

be safe out there!

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!

My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”

Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”

Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.

Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”

Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”

this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy

This text is literally my relationship with my mother:

Putting socks on my feet to keep me warm isn’t enough. I want them to come up to my shoulders

*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*

I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”

“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow

I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.

a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you

I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.

“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot

No one can handle that

Most fashion shows these days…

Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.

Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing again

The Fashion Industry: No.

*Midwesterners validating weather*

-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”

99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”

20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”

47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”