Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?

I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.

Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”

The Lion In Me:

I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.

When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.

[watching The Avengers]

7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?

ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies

[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first

ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others

me: thats not me

Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you

me: nah thats not me

ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him

cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life

I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.

Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.

Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before

McKay Coppins:

My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.

On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”

I’ve seen:

•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo Dragons

But nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.

I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you

My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them

[itsy bitsy spider diary]

Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.

Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.

CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions

Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”

My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her

ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?

HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*

ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.

“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions

After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore

No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!

photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one

me: another

bartender: *slides over pudding cup*

Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined

Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”

– Chinese Checkers