Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.

wife: where are the beans?

me: i made phones with the cans.

wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?

small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.

I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.

interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.

I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.

The second world war should have been called world war returns

Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.

I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.

My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!

I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist

My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat

Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.

Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence

I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene

Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?

Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine

Me: That took guts, LOL

Patient: Who is that guy?

Surgeon: I thought you knew him

[Doctor’s Office]

Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….

Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*

[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!

Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.

Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.

*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work

How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table

The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.

Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.

[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.

*email from Amazon*

Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE

Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE

Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE

We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE

What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven

If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling

Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.