Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
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Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
I don’t think the person who said “if there were an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters one would create the complete works of Shakespeare” had even a basic understanding of monkey behavior.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
I love comics. Bank robbers will wear a full ski mask, but super heroes will wear a tiny domino mask that barely covers any of their face.
“If crooks discover my identity, they’ll kill me or kidnap my family. I have an idea! I’ll hide the bridge of my nose with this pore strip!”
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.