Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
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I’m still waiting for the day my parents will say, “It’s all fake, we are millionaires, this was just to teach you to be humble”.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
People who say “no pun intended” are weak. Intend your puns, you coward
I asked my students today if they had heard Maggie Smith passed away, completely forgetting I had a student named Maggie Smith, who happened to be absent
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.