They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
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DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
“omg you’re a paramedic! what’s the worst thing you’ve seen?” bro my paycheck
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.