When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
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If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
I don’t see why walking is healthy. Zombies walk constantly and they look awful.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him