Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
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Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
People always ask me why I listen to audiobooks on my headphones while I’m in the gym. It’s because I can’t read.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Woke up against my better judgement again
Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.