When a shoelace touches your ankle
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S M O L
My firstborn put our house on Yelp and left a review stating the food is great but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Changed the office dress code from formal to smart-casual. Staff thought it’s because I want to be a hip, cool boss & make people feel more comfy. That’s not the reason. The reason is that we recently had our eleventh male employee getting his tie trapped in the shredder.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
I’m going to need to rewatch Idiocracy to see what happens next
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay