spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
You Might Also Like
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
This was my dad’s browser history.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
every. time.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
WILLY WONKA: I’m thinking about succession planning. I can’t run this factory forever
LAWYER: Good! What do you have in mind?
WILLY WONKA: A sweepstakes
LAWYER:
WILLY WONKA: We’ll bring in 5 random children and absolutely traumatize the unworthy
LAWYER: …I have concerns
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*