Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
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[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
I love furniture from the Edward Ian period. 😂
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together