Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!

I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.

Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad

The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.

If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”

I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”

It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread

ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits

WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.

*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper

“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”

*sighs
*leaves

Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier

Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.

Still cracks me up

[Wedding night]

Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this

New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room

Me: Am I? *winks forever*

My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?

Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.

Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked

Me: preferably over some type of heat source

I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.

[adds another nod to the conversation]

My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane

Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.

Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.

Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911

When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me

Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”

Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”

My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.

So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.

Tik Tok.

I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.

I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.

Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.

Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.

Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.