Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?

Just why bro?!

me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*

9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad

Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”

No! Abort! Abort!!

Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉

Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!

I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!

HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.

Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?

Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.

not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it

I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.

For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.

Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators

12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean

Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole

Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.

*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™

My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media

me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.

wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.

Me: Go wake up your mother.

Son: No way man…no way.

Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.

I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.

So who’s the hero now?

I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time

If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too

Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them

Me: *taking an art appreciation class*

Instructor: Please bring my students back

We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.

Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines

I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!

Oh wait.

My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.

5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?