Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
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Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Ladies, why y’all do this?
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
*aggressively waits in line*
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
*seductively corrects your posture*
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy