Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat

Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby

[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?

As per my last nervous breakdown

Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !

me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux

penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]

me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size

4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.

[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now

Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.

I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.

I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation

my friends: “im not a hater but-”

me: “dont worry i am”

How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine

Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.

My Body: we’re hungover

Me: but I didn’t drink anything

My Body: I don’t make the rules

I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.

*immediately after a hysterectomy*

ok weigh me now.

[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”

My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.

There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.

It’s Mental Health Day today.

– Sent from the app that literally causes anxiety.

If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team

dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun

Mail is crazy because it’s like 99 pieces of straight up garbage and 1 that if you don’t reply to you’re going to jail.

[God creating the stingray]

Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”

I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.

Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.

WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look

If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.

Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.