My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
My favorite female superhero
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
