First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
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I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.