Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.

Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.

Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?

A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.

FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend

Government Shutdown: Day Two

Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.

Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.

I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.

It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.

Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross

Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..

*how I slept

I make up cringe corporate sayings in Teams meetings to see if they catch on. I felt a great sense of achievement when my boss remarked about a client wanting a sub-standard product “if the ducks want bread, give them bread”. I had forgotten about that one.

Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.

I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.

“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.

Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips

-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat

Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.

Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.

wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you

Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”

{Guidance counselor glares at them}

Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*

My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.

I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.

This line from Airplane.

My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.

I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..

Do not drink and drive..

because there are people out there who text and drive…

and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!

I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.

Bite me.

Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.

Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line

5yo: That will be 5 dollars.

Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.

Hey! Where’s my change?

5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.

roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who