I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
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I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Jumping outta trees onto unsuspecting joggers
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
It will always be this
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
kitchen magnet
I need better friends
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Hey i am sexy to you now
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful.
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, she says her printer doesn’t work.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best