jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
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[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
me watching my own Instagram story
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
I’m far enough into my kids’ summer camp that my clothes dryer is now just a sandbox
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*