One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
it is so crazy how many hours are actually in a day when u wake up before 11:30 am…..wow………do people know about this
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
