me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
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My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
friend: promise you didn’t get me a beeper
me: [from a distance] just open it
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.