Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
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*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
We just upgraded our iPhones so now I’ll be able to do the exact same things I did with my old phone but for an extra $23 a month.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly