6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
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“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Been trying to eat healthier. Saw this sign and was just like “damn. I sure do.”
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.