Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad

If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!

Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.

Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.

Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.

(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat

Have you ever been so jealous of an idea

[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?

MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN

1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE

2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT

3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN

Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.

Coworker: Cute dress!

Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown

Coworker: [avoids me]

I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.

(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?

DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?

ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.

DON: And the boy?

ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.

What happens if you fight a dinosaur?

You get Jurasskicked!

My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate

penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling

Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.

I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.

*licks finger, holds it up in the air*

ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.

god: you have outlived your purpose

dinosaurs: give us another chance

god: fine

dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this

Me: it hit me completely out of the grey

Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?

Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes

Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!

People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.

CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands

ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*

CDC: Also brush your teeth

WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*

CDC: And take out the garbage

WORLD: Wait what?

CDC: Go make your bed

WORLD: Stop it

CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean

Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.

Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.

[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO

Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.

*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No

We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.