Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
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“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.