Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
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My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
My support group can outdrink your support group.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.