Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
them: do you have big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Alexa; make it look like an accident
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
I travel a lot for work and carry around a piece of paper in an envelope with a load of nonsense words written on it in the hope that, if I ever die suddenly, I will become the subject of internet conspiracy theories for years to come
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
How come there are no large predators that mimic herbivores? Like something that looks like a cow until it GETS you
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
