Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
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[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
sweet dreamsđź’–
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.