there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Very problematic
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
People get upset when you bring a karaoke machine to a funeral.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
Has there ever been a more American story?
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
