[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
I love telling someone to be careful. Because then if they die, that’s on them
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
been hearing a lot of friends say they’re planning on avoiding the internet tomorrow. not me! it’s gonna be christmas morning for hall of fame bad posts on here. we’re talking takes so bafflingly stupid we can’t even imagine. and i need them all beamed directly into my brain.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Cinematography is my passion
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
