someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
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One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.