“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
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I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
[on my way back to the posting caves]
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
iPhone X
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
just pretend nothing happened