walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
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“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
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MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s’il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
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Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.