Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.

General Lee didn’t have kids?

A parent Lee not.

Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*

Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.

So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.

Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?

My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.

He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.

In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.

OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.

HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.

[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?

Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags

Cop: um we put them on

Me: Another good theory

Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age

Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.

I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.

Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?

Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on

(Trump rally)

Trump: I’ll take questions now.

Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?

Trump: More water.

Crowd: *cheers wildly*

You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.

There are 2 kinds of people in this world:

1. People who aren’t good with numbers

“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”

Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?

-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks

When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.

[human resources]

Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?

Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot

It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything

this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!

I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.

Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”

Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body

I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah

We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.

I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.

He says it’s ok.