Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
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“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
People who talk to themselves tend to be great lovers.
Did you know that?
Yes, I did know that.
Thank you for asking.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
girls will be like “it’s fine” and then go and curse your whole bloodline.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Why are the produce aisles empty but the booze aisles fully stocked? I guess I’m in luck!
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Now who done made this a sport lmao
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Co-worker: I’m in the doghouse with my wife.
Me: What did you do? Stay out too late with the boys?
CW: No, I sent $60,000 in Apple gift cards to someone in Nigeria who said we owed it for the electric bill.
Me: …Oh
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands