Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
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I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
The first matador
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Similar to how tennis has different surfaces, swimming should have different liquids i. e. 50m chowder, 100m Greek yoghurt, relay spf 50 sun block
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”