Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”

Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?

Thank you.

Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776

Day two of homeschooling.

I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.

My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!

Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year

fireman: dear god… your face

me: i wasn’t in the building

Wedding planning is organized crime.

I hate when I’m typing away, expecting autocorrect to have my back, and I look down and just see awjdbdmkskanxksnakdbd

Target employee: Describe your lost item

Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside

You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.

How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.

Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”

sry

ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!

this one is dumb but worth the zoom-in, i swear

The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.

Them: are you busy right now

Me: (just laid down) yes

Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’

Hubby : It’s a scarf!

Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome

Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.

Me: *skips*

My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE

me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?

ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.

“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”

BRAIN: Excellent.

“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”

Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄

I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.

[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?

In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store

Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.

This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.

Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.

My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.

I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!

She laughed. I laughed.

Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.