Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BOSS: Don’t just stand there.

ME: Bust a move?

BOSS: What?

ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.

Her: why are u breaking up with me

Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen

Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.

I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.

My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.

I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?

[Intruder breaking into my house]

Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off

Him: Huh?

Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start

Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off

Me: *tightening karate belt* I know

As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.

I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..

me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god

Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up

Throwing a baby shower isn’t actually that hard. For a start, it’s much lighter than a regular shower.

Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.

Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.

Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings

Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated

My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!

Photobombing Giraffe 😅

Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.

Have a nice day 🙂

“I got you, babe.”

– kidnappers

You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?

It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.

Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.

Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.

Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point

I watched the movie, Trolls, with my kids and was really surprised that I didn’t see a lot of these Twitter accounts

me: I like that this isn’t like a typical gym

cashier: you’re at a bakery miss

ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.

“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”

Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.

I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.

[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”