If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
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Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Every photo I’m tagged in
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Once I was boating with my sons on a river and a guy on a kayak kept talking to me.
He asked my youngest, 15 then, “What would you think if I took your mom to Longhorn Steakhouse tonight?” and my son said, “I’d think you’re a cheap motherfucker,” hit the throttle and sped off.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.