I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
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Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that
Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?
Me: I need printer ink.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
Starting your most incoherent sentence with “put simply” to deflect blame onto the reader
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).