Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
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Fries, not lies.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?