Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
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receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Challenge accepted.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Okey dokey.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no